Wish you were here?
by KatTaya
Summary: From a man's PoV looking on at Janeway's relationship


Rating: T to be on the safe side

Disclaimer: Hail Paramount Hail Paramount Cough Story's mine grr

Notes: Probably my best fic so far, no definitely my best fic so far

Wish you were here?

I watch them. In the mess hall. Sitting there at breakfast, feeding each other. I look away and try to focus on my breakfast but I feel too sick to eat. Sick with jealousy. If jealousy was a huge green monster I would be the biggest, greenest and most monstrous entity that's ever been alive.

I look back at them. Something he said has just made her laugh. God, she has a nice laugh. She has thrown her head back and my eyes drink in her throat, her mouth, her nose and her eyes. I love her eyes. Blue. Not bright blue or light blue but Kathryn Janeway blue. You can't describe the blue of her eyes. HE said that. Her boyfriend. My supposedly best friend. First Officer Chakotay. Commander Chakotay. He DID sacrifice the 'Liberty' to save HER ship and HER crew.

She looks my way and we connect eyes for five long seconds before I drop my gaze and start playing with my food. Leola root something. I don't care what it is. I get a little satisfaction from mutilating it, watching as the juices fly and pretending that it's Chakotay's face I'm mutilating, not Neelix's latest creation. At least it's not moving anymore. I look back to their table but there's no-one there.

I jump as suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder. I know that hand. That small white hand that makes me feel like she's spreading plasma through my body instead of blood. Then she speaks to me. God, her voice. The male portion of this ship says that her voice could drive a man insane. It's driving me insane. Insanely in love with her.

"Mike, sorry I didn't mean to startle you but could you come to the briefing room for the senior staff meeting. 0900. It's just that Tuvok will not be there and so I need you there instead. Is that okay?"

She had just asked me to attend the senior staff meeting. I would be sitting next to her.

"Yeah, sure. I'll be there," I say with a bit more enthusiasm than I should have.

"Thanks," she smiled, winked and walked away.

I sit there watching her walk away, looking at her ass. She reaches the mess hall doors and they open. Was that a flick of her hair? No, she wouldn't do that. I shake my head, blink and look back. She's gone. Then I remember...she winked at me. SHE WINKED at ME.

I am beginning to look forward to this senior staff meeting. I get to sit next to her, just about anyway. My face suddenly falls. I'm going to be opposite HIM. I bet his hand is going to be on her leg. I bet he'll look at her breasts if she stands next to his chair. Now I don't want to go. Now I want to go to the love of my life and tell her that I can't go to this meeting because I love her with all of my heart and that I can't bear watching her and her boyfriend…but I can't. I can't tell her that I love her. I said to her that I would go and I am not going to break my word to her, I love her after all.

Maybe, if I go on an away mission, I can 'accidentally' beam myself out of the shuttle and into space. But if I do that then I won't be able to watch her and talk to her. But then again what's worse? Being able to talk to her and watch her but only while she is with another man or not being able to watch her at all?

My heart and mind are aching. All I want is her. To go to her quarters after our shift has ended and eat romantic dinners. Then afterwards we would take our dessert to the couch, feed each other and flirt as if there was no tomorrow. That of course would lead us to the bedroom. I imagine it for a few minutes before sighing and looking down at what was my breakfast. I see something hit it and I realise that I am crying, I taste the salt in my mouth. What's wrong with me? I never cry. I am suddenly angry, angry at everything and everyone. Angry at myself for falling in love with my very sexy female captain angry at Chakotay for falling in love with MY Kathryn Janeway and finally angry with her. Angry that she loves him and not me. I then remember her wink and her smile and I cannot stay angry with her anymore. I then direct that anger to the image of Chakotay I have in my mind. I suddenly stand up and my chair falls over with a loud thud. The dozen crewmembers present in the mess hall look up. I throw my tray to the floor and storm out. I am thankful that there were only a dozen crewmembers to witness that, but I know in half an hour everyone on the ship will know about it, even THEM. Chakotay and Kathryn.

I enter the turbo lift.

"Computer, are any of the holodecks available?"

"Affirmative, holodeck one is available."

"Reserve for Mike Ayala, effective immediately."

"Holodeck reserved for Mike Ayala."

"Holodeck one," I said and the turbo lift started moving.

I started pacing round the turbo lift as my anger built and built. I knew though if I took it out on the turbo lift walls then I would break my hand and have to go and see that stupid, pompous, sarcastic hologram, or mr-i-am-better-than-everyone-else-Paris. I can just imagine both scenes; at least I still have some rational thought left.

The turbo lift doors open and I breathe in as she enters, auburn hair and platform heeled black boots. I drift into a dream-like trance.

"Mike. Mike, hello? This is your stop."

I vaguely hear the words and then I feel a push. I stumble out of the turbo lift and I just manage to stop myself from falling over. I look back just as the doors are closing and I see, not Kathryn Janeway, Sam Wildeman. It's official, Kathryn Janeway has made me insane. My previous anger has dissipated but it comes rapidly back.

I can't blame it on the goddess so I blame it on the devil. It's his fault; he fell in love with her. My anger makes me walk to holodeck one. The doors swish open and I enter. I walk to the centre of the hologrid.

"Computer create a hologram with commander Chakotay's physical parameters."

"Hologram created," was the dull metallic reply that I got.

"Display."

Instantly a hologram that looked like the first officer appeared in front of me. I punched and kicked, for what seemed like hours, till my anger dissipated.

"Computer erase hologram and all memory of it ever being created," I had to get rid of the evidence.

"Hologram and memory engrams erased."

I suddenly feel tired since my adrenaline had gone and my anger had dissipated. I then felt the tears spring to my eyes. Again I was shocked, this doesn't happen to me. I activated Tom's Sandrine's program, devoid of holograms. I sat down on a bar stool and proceeded to grab any form of synthehol I could. Of course it didn't help, I didn't get drunk.

I suddenly wondered what time it was after I had drunk, what had felt like, twenty seven drinks.

"Computer, time?"

"The time is 1030 hours."

1030, 1030! I thought to myself. I have just missed the chance to sit next to my auburn princess and have her stand behind me, breathing on my neck and resting a hand on my shoulder.

I suddenly get angry again and throw my glass against the wall next to the doors.

Only a few seconds after the shards had scattered along the floor I saw a boot step on them, and then another one. I draw my eyes up over the person's thighs, stomach, breasts, neck, lips, nose and eyes. I see pools of blue.

"Mind if I join you," Kathryn Janeway's voice cut through the silence like a sharp knife though melting butter.

"Yeah, sure," I somehow choke out. Of course I couldn't say no.

"Mike, what's wrong? You weren't at the meeting earlier and that's unlike you. You are always on time for your duty shifts, sometimes even early! You love your work and now I find you here." Throughout this speech she pulled up a stool next to me.

She then put her hand on my thigh and said "Is there anything I can help you with Mike?"

The way she said my name, it was like she was caressing my soul.

I looked at her and she could see that I had been crying for she slid off her stool and stood in front of me and with her fingers she gently wiped away my fresh tears which had sprang to my eyes.

"Now I know there's something wrong. Can I help?" her voice was like whiskey.

So I tell her, not using her and the commander's names though.

"I'm in love with one of the female members of his ship but she already has a boyfriend. She does give me a few, um, signals, like a wink here or a smile there but…"I trail off not believing that I am telling her.

"But," She urges me on.

"But I don't know if she wants me to make a move or if she is just being friendly."

I sigh with relief that I have got it off my chest. She would make a good counsellor.

I then look up with a smile on my face, but it quickly vanished when I saw that her back was ramrod straight, her eyes glazed with uncried tears and a look of realization had spread across her face.

"Me, it's me isn't it? You love me?" it was all she said before, with a strangled cry, she ran out of the holodeck.

"Wait," I shout. "Wait." I desperately sob falling to the floor.

I can't believe I have let this happen. It's all my fault.

I grab another glass and throw it against the wall.

"Computer shut down holographic simulation."

As the pub in Marseilles owned by Sandrine shimmered away so did my confused thoughts. It all made sense now. I knew what I had to do.

"Computer locate Captain Janeway," I said as I ran out of the holodeck and into the turbo lift."

"Captain Janeway is in her quarters."

"Deck two," I shouted and the turbo lift started its ascent.

"Come on, come on," I muttered under my breath wishing that it would go faster.

When it finally reached its destination I was out of the doors as soon as there was a gap big enough for me to squeeze through.

I reached her door and rang the chime.

There was no answer so I opened the COMM line.

"Please Kathryn, let me in. I need to talk to you."

The doors slid open and I walked slowly in. the sight that met my eyes nearly made me cry all over again. The lights were dimmed and the beautiful Kathryn Janeway was slumped across the sofa with tears falling down her cheeks and smudging her make up.

"Hey," I said softly walking over to her. I kneeled on the floor next to her head.

"Now I know there's something wrong. Can I help?" I repeat her earlier words in hope of them eliciting a small smile; however she surprises me by almost jumping onto my lap, flinging her arms round my neck and burying her head into my neck and shoulder.

I hold and comfort her till she stops crying. We stay this way for a couple of minutes before I start to whisper in her ear.

"Hey, after you left the holodeck I came to a realization. You're happy with Chakotay and you deserve him but we could never be happy, I don't deserve you and I am not about to make you give up your happy relationship with Chakotay for it. Let me tell you this though: don't worry about me when you are happy I am happy and if Chakotay ever hurts you just tell me and I'll make sure he never ever does it again. So you are not allowed to worry about me alright?"

She takes her head off my shoulder, looks at me and nods her head. I smile and give her a small peck on the cheek.

"Now despite what you may argue I am going now to make up for missing the meeting by doing a double shift. I am taking over your shift so you can stay here and get sorted out. I would say 'that's an order' but I can't."

She smiles at that. "Okay and…um…thanks."

She then got off me and we both stand up. We hug goodbye and I walk out of her quarters feeling a less than perfect officer, but a better man.

The next day when I get to the mess hall I see a big crowd of people in the middle. As it disperses I see the centre of it is Kathryn and Chakotay. I start to walk over to them to see what it's about but Kathryn sees me first and runs over. She shows me a ring, an engagement ring. She smiles a brilliant smile, wraps her arms around me and whispers in my ear.

"Thanks."

She then turns back to Chakotay and they share a long kiss. I smile and walk over to Neelix, who is standing behind the serving bench in his kitchen.

"What would you like Mr. Ayala?" Neelix asks me.

"I'll have two helpings of your breakfast surprise please Neelix."

I take the food and sit down at a table. Two helpings! I think. I must be in a good mood.

I look over to Kathryn and Chakotay's table and see that they are feeding each other. This time when she catches my eye I smile and wink, I'm fine. They look good together and they deserve each other. I know that they'll make each other happy and that he will never intentionally hurt her.

I look down at my food and give a small laugh before I start eating Neelix's latest concoction.


End file.
